Clarity in the Bawth

Home again because of the bleh. So so very tired of the bleh. Everytime I think I am turning a corner, I find myself right back feeling sick again. What a pain. At least this time, I think it's passing. Not getting any worse.
Decided to soak a while and just dissolve into the bubbles. Hot water, bubbles and bubbles, candle and a slight gentle wind billowing the curtains. Gave me a chance to clear my mind. I realized I am not living the life I want. (duh, kinda the purpose of this blog...)I know what to do, have all the necessary accoutrements, .....you know the drill. I gave advice to my friend last night because she was upset about "falling off the wagon". It was great advice, and as I read over it, a troll popped out with "Hey dumbass, why aren't you following your own advice?" THIS is what floated around in my head while in the bawth.
Tomorrow, I have time on my hands. Time to prepare food and work out. Unless I get a fever and need to be hospitalized, I am going forth from here. Since nothing is holding me back but me, I am getting out of my way.
BTW~met my first goal;) Chest before belly.

me vs. the Trolls

I blinked and September ended! Wow. Amazing. Have had an awful time dealing with the Trolls. You know, those little monsters in your head telling you how you're not good enough, you'll never be able to do that, why try? Constantly comparing yourself to everyone else and you just never measure up. Whew....they have been entangled in my head and have had a deeelightful romp. Until last night. I decided to get 'em gone! How? Simply by doing something.

They couldn't keep up on the walk in the moonlight last night. I could feel myself get lighter and lighter with each step. Then I pampered myself a bit and got my gear ready for today. I decided that no matter how bad they had me, I would look my best. In the words of the great Fernando, "It is better to look good than to feel good." Read a bit and went to bed early. AHHHHHH No Trolls.

Felt much better this morning. Like a totally different person. Handled the day much better and sent the Trolls packing.

As October is here, I am setting some goals and checking in here to update them~

1. When walking into a wall, my chest will hit it before my stomach.

2. I will do something active each day.

3. I will make a conscious effort to make healthy choices to get myself well.

4. I will do something outrageously fun that I would usually put off.

Four goals, 12 weeks, let's see what happens.

What is Your Enough?

I used to LOVE to go to thrift stores!!! Nothing better than paying next to nothing for something (whether I needed it or not)! And I could always count on getting my paperback fix or something I could use at work. My husband and I have even picked up some furniture once or twice.

Since my father passed away last year, though, thrift stores make me infinitely sad. They have lost the spell they once had over me. The rows and rows of "stuff" represent pieces of many different people's lives. Pieces that each have a story or once had a place in a home. Now those stories are shelved and forgotten, unwanted. I think of the person who owned them and wonder if they realized when they bought it, or received it as a gift, or when it was passed down, that it would soon outlive it's usefulness. I also wonder if the people who dropped off all of these things were thinking the same thing I was when I was cleaning out my parent's house....

Why in the world did they keep this stuff?
If it was so important to them, why did they keep it in a box stuffed up in the attic?
Did they really use all of this crap???

Yes, I admit I thought those things~I even said some of it out loud....repeatedly and sometimes with quite a few more colorful adjectives.

Once upon a time, parents handed down family heirlooms to their children and they truly meant something. It was a treasure that had a story and took up an important place in its new home. Now adays, we go through attics, basements, garages, and storage bins FULL of life's stuff. Is it making those folks happy? Is it being honored where it is? Is it necessary for life? Probably not. And when those folks have moved on, where does that stuff end up? Yard sale. Trash. Thrift Store.

According to the NARTS (National Association of Resale and Thrift Shops) website, thrift stores/resale still "continue to be one of the fastest growing segments of retail." Each year for the past three years the industry has grown 5%. Business is steady. Notice that the shelves are never empty and new stock arrives each day.

My husband and I had a revelation one September when our basement flooded and we lost pretty much everything that was in there. Not one thing we lugged out and threw out was worth one tear. Which said volumes to me about my "enough". Each trip up the stairs with an armful of dripping stuff, the on-going conversation in my head went from "Why in the world did we keep all of this junk???" to "At least my children won't be having to do this when I'm gone."

Which brings me to "enough".

I have thought about "throwing out my life" (junk) for a year now, even had a plan to be done by the time I turned 41. HA! That didn't happen! But lo and behold, guess what my pastor's sermons have been about the past few weeks? Simple living. Drive it home...

Which got me to rethink that throwing out plan...as I step over toys, books, and the flotsam and jetsam that is our life. Isn't it time? Past time I would say. Time for me to reread Jeff Yeager's book The Ultimate Cheapskate's Road Map to True Riches. He is the ultimate cheapskate, and he offers a lot of wisdom for simple living.

So, it's time for me to start culling out the extra, the non-essential, the stuff that's just here. I will keep the thrift stores in business for a little while, and I will work on NOT bringing in more things that will end up there later. I am attempting to slay the "enoughasaurus" so I can begin my next project... but that's another post.

Here is one of my first forays into mixing poetry and art. Hard to see the poem written along the waves and sand. The words are below.

I love how the ocean drowns out the voice in my head

Leaving no room for anything but the wind roaring in my ears

The vibration of the pounding surf

Everything else just goes away

The sand smooths the rough edges

Wears away the cracked veneer

Creates a clean canvas

It shifts and sifts hard packed yet yielding

To dig and bury and resurface

Relaxes the senses with subtle massage

The wind

When it comes

Tears away the last tendrils of worries brought along

Whispering nothing promising nothing

Giving you your chance to enjoy the moment

Enjoy where you are

Thoughts run together until there's nothing left but

You

The sand

The wind

The ocean

Love, love, LOVE art journaling. I am excited about writing again. I am excited about the possibilities for creating, for playing with paint, pastels, mixed media.

I spent some time at Sheri Gaynor's blog @ Creative Awakenings and wow! The art these women are creating! I am ready to set up my basement and go crazy! I know my husband will appreciate me taking it out of our bathroom ( I have set up a semi-work area on the ironing board). I especially like how they made use of photos. Hmmm....

Time to get those pictures in scrapbooks. I read one of Peter Walsh's organizing books and beyond the usual throw it out, yadda yadda~ one thing he wrote really stuck a cord with me. If you own something that means something to you, are you giving it the honor it deserves by storing it in a box? in the attic? in the basement? Hmmmm....the majority of our pictures are piled in ziploc bags in a Rubbermaid tub. All of the embellishments for making those pictures into our life story are neatly organized in a dresser and ....that's it!!! How sad.

I think my children will like the idea of browsing through scrapbook albums that tell our story better than spreading out piles of ziploc bags on the floor wondering what was happening and when.

Day Two

"Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go."
T.S. Eliot


So true.

Everytime I think I've done all I can, and that I've gone as far as I can go, I reach down a bit further and see what I've got left. It is such a great feeling to trump what you considered your limit. Fear becomes such a comforting place to stay. And the more you hesitate, the harder it is to take chances. I don't want to look back anymore and have all of the missed opportunities staring back at me. I have witnessed a life wasted by this very thing. It was profoundly sad to realize that fear of taking risks ended in a life full of regret and emptiness. I don't want to be like that person.

I got on that elliptical trainer tonight after a verrry long day. I wasn't well rested this morning, had a little headache. Just chalked it up to lack of sleep and sinus stuff. By the afternoon, it had turned into a raging beast. I realized it was caffeine withdrawal. I associate caffeine withdrawal to gamma radiation exposure. As in you-don't-want-to-see-me-angry-I-will-scoop-out-your-intestines-with-a-spoon. Took quite a bit to tame the beast, but I got it back in its cage. Lots of meetings and then home for a bit before heading to my daughter's Open House. Before even thinking about what I was doing, I ate a bowl of cereal for dinner (healthy stuff, of course). I usually work out before I eat because I don't want to see my dinner later in another form. I was tired, I was in need of relaxation (read~tv, couch), waaaaaa, waaaaaa,waaaaa.....

I worked out anyway. And when I got to the end of my workout I was on top of the world. I pushed myself beyond the limits my mind had set.

And here I am. Relaxing. Praying for an empty head and no crickets tonight. Regardless, I made it through another day.

Day One

Having spent the majority of my summer resting due to health issues, I took time to assess what I've been doing with my life before I got sick. Not much. I promised myself when I turned the corner and started feeling well again, I would change that.

SO, I scrolled my way through Amazon and stocked up on some great creative reads to jump start things. Next, I bought a bunch of art supplies. Unlike usual, where I would buy things then store them for later, I am journaling, painting, drawing, writing, and enjoying it immensely!! Getting messy is fun! Making messes and creating something from them is such a satisfying experience. It all started with Living Artfully: Create the Life you Imagine and Journal Bliss: Creative Prompts to Unleash Your Inner Eccentric.
They were fast reads and got me going. I have begun Creative Awakenings, but am absorbing just a little at a time.

Mentally set, I talked my friend into partnering up for a fitness challenge. After we met today to set goals and map things out, I took a much needed walk. WOW! what a wonderful feeling. I have been itching to get out, but have not had the energy to do so. I have truly missed it! I went farther than planned and really enjoyed being out there with music in my ears and the road rolling out ahead of me. I am looking forward to going further and further down that road as I build up stamina.

Time to get a good night's sleep and rest up for tomorrow and whatever adventure it brings!!

Night all.